Tales of a Carnivorous Tofu Eater

Disorder in the Court!

2007-08-07T12:35:00.000-07:00

So I just got done talking with one of my new, and very green, co-workers. She has always wanted to get into the legal field and now she finally is. She commented to me about an acquaintence who is "so smart, he should be a lawyer". Uh-huh. Trust me. Lawyers are not that smart as evidenced below:

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters with the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now, Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Tofu that tastes like human flesh??

2007-08-06T12:58:00.000-07:00

Please tell me this is a joke. From the web: Hufu is the name of a tofu-based product designed to resemble the taste of human flesh. Billed as the "Healthy Human Flesh Alternative", it's designed to "provide connoisseurs of people-parts with a legal way to please their palates".

The Hufu website provides a variety of recipes that originally called for human flesh, but now uses hufu as a replacement.

So what does human flesh taste like? According to the website:
"If you've never had human flesh before, think of the taste and texture of beef, except a little sweeter in taste and a little softer in texture. Contrary to popular belief, people do not taste like pork or chicken."

Who out there has a taste for human flesh? Hannibal Lechter besides. Never mind. Please don't answer that. I really, really don't want to know. And now, thanks to Hufu I will never, ever look at a piece of Tofu with the same salivatory adoration I once used to. I will forever cast a suspicious eye on every piece of tofu that comes across my plate.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Smoking Kills

2007-08-02T04:28:00.000-07:00

This from the Fort Worth Star Telegram, July 11, 2007: David Pawlik called the fire department in Cleburne, Texas, in July to ask if the "blue flames" he and his wife were seeing every time she lit a cigarette were dangerous, and an inspector said he would be right over and for Mrs. Pawlik not to light another cigarette. However, anxious about the imminent inspection, she lit up and was killed in the subsequent explosion. (The home was all-electric, but there had been a natural gas leak underneath the yard.)

Tragic. But totally preventable.

I have zero tolerance for Zero Tolerance

2007-07-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

Yet again the robotic thought process embraced by so many sheeples has reared it's big-horned head again. That's right, another "progressive" company is waving it's Zero-Tolerance thermonuclear flag. A California company no less. But it is based in Texas so that might explain it.

Here's the gist: A 31-year-old employee named Cynthia Lopez was working at the USA Gas Station, owned by Tesoro Corp., at the corner of Kettleman Lane and Lower Sacramento Road in Lodi, CA. She'd been working there for about 3 weeks. I'm guessing at minimum wage. The other night a robber displayed a gun and demanded the cash in her drawer. She obliged. The robber left. And yet, even as frightened as she must have been, she managed to give the police an accurate physical description of the gunman as well as had the presence of mind to look at his getaway vehicle and remember his licence number. Which allowded the police to quickly catch the suspected robber.

I'd be expecting a big, fat raise. Or at least a free donut and coffee. Nope. Ms. Lopez was fired the next day. Seems the company has a policy that only $50 is allowed in the cash register at a time and Ms. Lopez had a whopping $66.00.

"Sarah Simpson, a Tesoro spokeswoman, said privacy laws bar her from commenting on any individual employees but that the company has written rules.

"We do have policies on cash limits in registers, to protect our employees' safety. We have a zero tolerance policy," Simpson said."

And that is where Zero Tolerance will get you. !@#@! sheep. Baaah.

Now they call the police?

2007-07-28T15:30:00.000-07:00

Read in last evening's news:

"MOUNTAINSIDE, New Jersey (AP) -- Turns out somebody was watching from up above.

A longtime member of a church here has been charged with stealing about $28,000 over 11 years after church officials caught him on tape with his hand in the collection plate, authorities said.

William J. Biunno, 71, a former trustee and member of the choir at Our Lady of Lourdes Roman Catholic Church, is accused of taking the money during Sunday Mass after it was collected from parishioners, Sgt. Vincent Gagliardi of the Union County Prosecutor's Office said Thursday.

Church officials became suspicious late last year after one noticed something unusual on an in-house video surveillance system, authorities said. Because that camera wasn't at a good angle to see all of Biunno's actions, church officials added others that clearly showed Biunno pocketing the money.

Church officials brought the tapes to police, removed Biunno from his position as a church trustee and forbid him from helping with the collection.

Biunno, who declined to comment, continued to be an active church member and attended religious events right up until he was charged."

Ok, we all know that stealing is wrong. I'm not trying to suggest that it isn't. In most cases. And I don't know all the facts behind this, only what has been purported on the internet news outlets. Which leads me to this. Is this the same Roman Catholic Church that allowed many of their priests over many years to sexually molest their young parishoners, then hushed it up and trundled off their deviant priests under figurative darkness of night to some other parish and unsuspecting flock of innocents? Is this the same Roman Catholic Church that swept it all under the proverbial prayer rug and allowed generations of children to suffer?

Yet when it is discovered that a member of their flock, a 71-year old, 11-year church trustee takes what amounts to roughly $48.00 a week from the church collection plate over the course of those 11 years, they immediately report the crime to the local police which arrest him. Where was this zero-tolerance thought process (see my next post for more on that issue) when it really mattered? Like when YOUNG BOYS AND GIRLS WERE HAVING THEIR LIVES FOREVER DAMAGED!

Sorry God. It's not you, it's me.

2007-07-18T19:07:00.000-07:00

Was chatting with some co-workers today about important work issues...errr....ok, it was really about the Lindsey Lohan-Brittany Spears-Paris Hilton train wrecks when the subject of religion came up. One of them related a story about her roommate from college who was dating a major loser. The guy cheated on her, treated her badly and was a total asshole. She stuck with him for years. Through all the cheating and emotional abuse. Because she "loovvved" him.

Years later, after college, my co-worker caught up with her old roommate. Seems old roommate finally dumped Mr. Cheater Nasty Ass. He had found God and had become religious. And that was the one thing she could not tolerate!

For once, I am speechless.

All that and a bag of chips!

2007-07-18T08:26:00.000-07:00

Yup! He is that. And more.

Madison & Main

Click on the link, then click on "Contact Us" at the top. Then check out the 10th guy down. He's the best! I'm his mother, so I would know.

Can you hear me now?

2007-07-16T16:35:00.000-07:00

So my stepmother (let's call her Hope because, well, that's her name) got a cell phone last week and got rid of her landline. Big deal. Most of us did that years ago. But not Hope. It's the first cellphone she has ever had. Ever. At 63 years old. She does not do "gadgets" as she calls them. Or anything electronic. They scare her. Don't ask.

So she called me up to tell me how excited she is to be able to talk whereever, whenever, even if she is driving in the car (I only hope her insurance company doesn't read this). She then inquires as to what cell phone extortioner/company I have and squealed in delight when I told her. Seems she has the same one I do. Then she informed me that "we can talk whenever we want, for as long as we want, for FREE!!" I cringed and contemplated telling her I've become Amish and therefore cellphones are now on my list of satanic devices. As if they weren't already). All attempts to explain to her that cellphone-to-cellphone conversation is only a step above 2 tin cans joined by a piece of string. She couldn't hear me over her brain screaming "Free!! All Free!! All the Time!!"

Then this morning's conversation:

Hope: So, how are you, Cookie? (Hope has two forms of address - "Cookie" and "Bub". How she's feeling about you at the time determines her choice. That day I was "Cookie". Life was good.)

Me: I'M GOOD! I'LL BE GREAT AS SOON AS I FINISH THIS QUAD-SHOT-ESPRESSO-LACED COFFEE/CRACK IN A CUP! (And yes, I'm yelling. Doesn't everyone when they are on a cellphone?)

Hope: I'm good too. But I have some bad news. My car died. I might need a new engine.

Me: OH, THAT SUCKS! LISTEN, LET ME CALL YOU BACK ON THE LAND LINE WHEN I GET HOME! OK?

Hope: Ok, cookie. My friend is picking me up and we're going to a flea market. I'll be home by 1:00p.m.

Me: OK, I'LL CALL YOU AT 1:00. HAVE FUN!!

Hope: No, I'm not driving. I told you. My car is dead. My friend is taking me.

Me: NO, HOPE, I SAID 'HAVE FUN!'

Hope: It's about 11 miles away. Why do you ask, Cookie?

Me: NO!!! HOPE, I SAID 'HAVE FUN'..AT THE FLEA MARKET!!!

Hope: YEAH, ABOUT 11 MILES AWAY. (At this point she seems to be getting the hang of cell phone communication and has increased her own volume.)

Thus began her great leap into 2007. Which the rest of us took in 1996.

Hey Verizon!!! - Can you hear me now? NO!!!!

For all you relationship-challenged men out there

2007-07-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

Tip of the Day - On the night of your girlfriend's birthday (yes, it was a big one. Aren't they all?), when she is sitting there in her new dress and heals patiently (or not so) waiting to go out to dinner, don't announce that you, who still hadn't showered and smell like an ad for death, need to make a quick run to the ATM machine 4 blocks away and then disappear for 2 hours. It makes us cranky. Especially when you appear back in the apartment with Target bags and Tinkerbell wrapping paper sticking out and other oh so recently purchased presents for said girlfriend. And no, you cannot dash in the door and into the bedroom quick enough for us to not notice you and the packages. By that point hunger and aggravation has put our senses are on high alert and we could zero in on a mosquito 6 blocks away by sight alone.

So guys, consider this a public service announcement. As well as your only warning.

And yes, I forgave him. Love conquers all. But a bottle of good wine speeds up the process.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2007-07-12T17:00:00.000-07:00

I am now officially middle-aged. If the average person lives to the age of Methuselah. Sigh. I'm drinking alot of wine tonight. Hic.

The Glamorous Life My Ass!

2007-06-29T00:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I was going to write here each day about my *cough* glamorous life in the legal field, as I know how much everyone (both of you) were waiting for me to enrich your banal and insignificant lives with tales of living and working among the glitterati. I am so sorry to have let you down. It's just that I've been too damn tired and stressed out from my glamorous job to do anything at night other than mumble incoherently while swilling copious amounts of cheap wine. Which eventually leads to me loudly declaring that my college edu..edu...cation was schtuppid an a wastee of gud money! and I shud quit my job and go to a beech and wax surfers..err...surfboards for a living. Soon followed by face hitting the pillow and rapid snoring.

I'll work on glamorous tommorow. Tonight I'm working on a glass of wine and ridding myself of the nervous twitch in my eye.

The Glamorous Life

2007-06-14T08:05:00.000-07:00

So today I was informed that my job as a paralegal/legal assistant is, according to my wonderful, but reality-deficient friend, "glamorous" and she envies me. Ummm...ok. So I've decided I'm going to start documenting my "glamorous" life since it's obviously escaped me and maybe if I saw it in writing I might be enlightened and begin to enjoy my glamorous life.

So, I'll start with today. Tomorrow. Right now I'm too tired. And need to drink more wine so I can unwind and face another day of my glamorous life.

Stay tuned. I know I will.