Can you hear me now?

So my stepmother (let's call her Hope because, well, that's her name) got a cell phone last week and got rid of her landline. Big deal. Most of us did that years ago. But not Hope. It's the first cellphone she has ever had. Ever. At 63 years old. She does not do "gadgets" as she calls them. Or anything electronic. They scare her. Don't ask.

So she called me up to tell me how excited she is to be able to talk whereever, whenever, even if she is driving in the car (I only hope her insurance company doesn't read this). She then inquires as to what cell phone extortioner/company I have and squealed in delight when I told her. Seems she has the same one I do. Then she informed me that "we can talk whenever we want, for as long as we want, for FREE!!" I cringed and contemplated telling her I've become Amish and therefore cellphones are now on my list of satanic devices. As if they weren't already). All attempts to explain to her that cellphone-to-cellphone conversation is only a step above 2 tin cans joined by a piece of string. She couldn't hear me over her brain screaming "Free!! All Free!! All the Time!!"

Then this morning's conversation:

Hope: So, how are you, Cookie? (Hope has two forms of address - "Cookie" and "Bub". How she's feeling about you at the time determines her choice. That day I was "Cookie". Life was good.)

Me: I'M GOOD! I'LL BE GREAT AS SOON AS I FINISH THIS QUAD-SHOT-ESPRESSO-LACED COFFEE/CRACK IN A CUP! (And yes, I'm yelling. Doesn't everyone when they are on a cellphone?)

Hope: I'm good too. But I have some bad news. My car died. I might need a new engine.

Me: OH, THAT SUCKS! LISTEN, LET ME CALL YOU BACK ON THE LAND LINE WHEN I GET HOME! OK?

Hope: Ok, cookie. My friend is picking me up and we're going to a flea market. I'll be home by 1:00p.m.

Me: OK, I'LL CALL YOU AT 1:00. HAVE FUN!!

Hope: No, I'm not driving. I told you. My car is dead. My friend is taking me.

Me: NO, HOPE, I SAID 'HAVE FUN!'

Hope: It's about 11 miles away. Why do you ask, Cookie?

Me: NO!!! HOPE, I SAID 'HAVE FUN'..AT THE FLEA MARKET!!!

Hope: YEAH, ABOUT 11 MILES AWAY. (At this point she seems to be getting the hang of cell phone communication and has increased her own volume.)

Thus began her great leap into 2007. Which the rest of us took in 1996.

Hey Verizon!!! - Can you hear me now? NO!!!!